Uncategorized Shawwal
Been trying to fast and started late. If tomorrow is Shawwal–I got only 6 days in. Today I felt so faint must be from my lack of sleep. I slept only 1 hour yesterday and then some friends came over to watch a “movie”. My place felt homey and I was happy at the fact that I listened to my intuitiveness and cleaned up my room.
If anything I am grateful for my intuitiveness. I has saved me may times. Or it’s Allah? Or would that be too assuming?
Anyways this movie turned out to be “Sex and the City”–WHAT A LOAD OF SHIT
what poision.
what shit.
a load of shit.
my IQ fell by 10 points. and for 10 minutes being in contact with a man–even sending a message–even “poking” on facebook– repulsed me.
How desperate, how misguided… my pity mixed with repulsion… this supposedly “glamorous” lifestyle–rang so empty; useless things were bought to just fill up space and the way sex and relationships were treated, protrade *shudder* it was a true invaluement to the human soul and thins kept near; not really needing to be said.
If there was I could truly sympathize and understand was the main character’s love for a man who gave mixed signals… there seemed so much to be left untouched… there seemed so much she wanted to say to him…
I use to view the situation with extreme anguish: leaving things left unsaid.
However, (relating to my situation), I never left any doubt for my dil that I absolutely adored him. And still he hasn’t even AIMed me even though him and I are always on on the same time–that’s not a mixed signal. But in the past when I had talked to him there were many, many, many signals but he never started a conversation with me.
Oye I am obessessing, “it’s just a ride”.
I feel empty inside.
Blah, the girl whom he is in love with, talked to me yesterday. Empty. Simply empty. I feel nothing bad nor good towards her perhaps a little admiration for her–because of her strong deen and the way my dil idolizes her. My mother asked to see her sometime ago so I sent her pictures.
“I see a strong woman with purpose in her mind. She knows what she wants.” This was very true. “If (his name) loves her, it must be for her strength–something he desires and wants for himself.” This echoed my thoughts exactly when I inquired and he admitted that he loved her. “If he’s weak, (my name) Allah wouldn’t give you that. He would give you someone strong… to protect you… to love you… not to relie on you for strength.”
That truth eased my heart. But then again I am not sure if I want a strong man–becasue then he would try to control me..? ugh, I don’t know.
Today I felt as if I was going to faint. I woke up late for fajr. Slept through most of the day. But I am pretty such I did all my prayers, even though they were late.
This is a bad habit on my part. I postpone my prayers.